Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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