I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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