i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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