I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
