All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
