anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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