after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
