Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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