ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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