Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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