you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
