I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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