i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
