I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
