I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He better not be in your backpack
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize