i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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