so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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