Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
