I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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