I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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