Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Fuck appropriateness.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
