I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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