the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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