Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
