if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My balls are so social today.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
