hotel room ftw
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
