I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
