My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
