Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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