If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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