i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
