I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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