i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
