There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
