I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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