My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
