How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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