When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
