Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize