Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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