i just had sex bonerless
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
