jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
