My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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