I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
