I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
