At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
