non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
