I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
