I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
