i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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