we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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