note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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