I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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