last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
