she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
