Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
