Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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