I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
