peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
