chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
