You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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