I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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