i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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