I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
