I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
